But first, you’ve got to get angry: working through tough emotions

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Time stamped show notes:

Stacy has two businesses; an online gardening business and adventures for entrepreneurs. She's grateful for the certainty and support she gets from the group.

01:39 She has an amazing opportunity to be more resourceful. But as she dives deeper into that she keeps going under. 

01:50 She's in a familiar situation; cash flow is taking a dip; she has a bunch of projects that she needs to focus on to bring in revenue. But she's feeling uncertainty. 

02:01 Challenge: I want to go deeper. 

02:15 Stacy: When I'm aligned and feel grateful, things show up. 

02:26 Stacy: But there's a story around being called an ungrateful wretch.

02:38 Stacy: Sometimes when I hear the word grateful, manipulation and obligation comes up. When I find myself in uncertain places, these words start showing. 

03:12 Stacy: There's some truth to the “ungrateful wretch” name. When I was a child, the love I was shown wasn't given in the way I wanted it, so I was unappreciative. 

03:36 Challenge: I'm trying to understand, for myself, the heart of it all. I've been journaling. Forgiveness might be at the core – of myself and my family. 

04:12 Stacy: I believe this is the work that will help me in these moments, when things are uncertain, to feel more connected to myself, and the universe. 

04:46 Suggestion: So what you said is true, but you can have two simultaneous truths. 

04:54 Question: For the forgiveness thing, are you familiar with Hoʻoponopono? 

05:05 Suggestion: It's super important, when you do it, you're always doing it to the aspect of you that created the distortion. A lot of times we think we need to forgive other people – that's fine – but you're creating your version of them. You're creating the story, and you're perpetuating the story. To get to the root of it is to really – you're dissolving the whole thought platform. 

05:36 Suggestion: When you're saying, “I'm sorry, please forgive me,” you're saying it to the aspect of you that created that experience for you. 

05:44 Question: But what is it that you want more than anything from feeling? You want to sit in the uncertainty. What is it that you really want? 

05:58 Stacy: Certainty doesn't feel safe for some reason.

05:58 Challenge: Why?

06:07 Stacy: When I am grateful, or when I am sharing love, that was used against me in my family. So when I am certain, when I am sharing, it can be turned against me. I know that's just a story.

06:28 But it doesn't take away the effect.

06:28 Brad: It was real for you.

06:35 Question: Are there times in your life when you felt like you were able to fully and freely love, and you weren't being turned on?

06:42 Stacy: Yes. 

06:45 And you felt safe doing it, and you've been able to create that experience for yourself. 

06:51 So now that you have new stories that have come out of that old story, then you don't have to live the old story anymore. It's just about trusting in yourself rather than trusting in other people. When you trust in yourself, it's irrelevant whether they reflect the love back to you or not. 

07:05 You're a lover because you're a lover, not because of what anyone else needs to give back to you. 

07:14 How many of us have had that experience when we felt like we were turned on. We gave someone love and then it bit us back pretty badly.

07:25 The gift is learning that it doesn't matter; it still feels better to love than to withhold love. 

07:44 Let's dive into the manipulation. You said if you're grateful and love loving then the universe will yield back to you. Can you share more on that?

07:53 Stacy: A lot of the time when I was called an ungrateful wretch growing up, it was because somebody I didn't even know gave me something. Then I was obligated to give something back, and sometimes things I didn't want to give. So sometimes when a gift is given it feels like there are strings attached, or an obligation to do something. 

08:24 Stacy: In my family, it feels like people do things to get something. 

08:32 It feels like an uneven point system, right?

08:34 Stacy: I hate the point system!

08:36 How many of us have experienced that? We can all relate to that.

08:47 Question: So in Stacy's ideal world, what do you want? Would you be willing to claim for yourself that you're only giving when it feels right for you? And you're willing to receive only when it feels right for you? 

09:05 Stacy: The thing I want to understand is trusting the receiving. 

09:20 The degree to which you're willing to love and respect yourself is in direct proportion to what you're willing to allow for yourself. 

09:30 As much as you love yourself, that's as much as you allow for yourself. The trusting part is loving yourself so much that you know it and you don't waver or question it. 

09:48 Question: How many people do you know that you're almost sicked by how much they get with such little effort? It looks like they're blessed with abundance and good looks and great relationships, but they don't do anything? 

10:00 Stacy: I actually love those people.

10:02 So what's the difference? It's just that they expect it. They know their worth. 

10:14 Question: So what would help you expect that for yourself? What would it take?

10:20 Stacy: The words unlimited love come in. 

10:23 Question: As a daily practice, how do you think you can get there every day?

10:45 Stacy: It feels like I'm doing all the things. I'm journaling, eating well, working out. 

10:55 Question: What about doing the action to instill the belief? 

11:09 Stacy: I guess I don't know what that looks like. 

11:17 I want to revisit that time that created this emotional response for you. Have you considered revisiting that memory and rewriting from the perspective of, you were actually providing a gift to them, in that interaction, because your value is so high. 

11:56 If you could look back at it and change your perspective of how you see yourself in that interaction, maybe you can rewrite it. 

12:02 Stacy: I've rewritten all of them in different ways. It's in the nervous system. It's preverbal. 

12:20 Brad: EMDR is good for preverbal stuff. But don't try too much at once. It can be very emotionally overwhelming. I did too much too soon, and it led me to have one of the biggest breakdowns I've ever had. Maybe try a session, wait a few weeks, and do another session. 

13:03 Brad: The basic idea is that your brain has two sides, and that by adding stimulus or tapping to either side of your body, it helps your adaptive memory network come online. So when you think about a troubling memory, it allows your brain to think about it as if it was happening right now, without all of the trauma and stuck stuff attached. 

13:45 Brad: I want to acknowledge you for sharing! Who else has been through something – stuff you can't even get to that's so traumatic, that you're still plagued by it as an adult? There are ways to get through it.

14:04 Brad: Try EMDR. Or Hoʻoponopono. I didn't realize how easily I could heal so much, in just a few minutes a day. I do it every night now. 

14:36 Brad: There's a 45 minute version that I might recommend. It will go through the whole family. I like Dr. Matt James. 

14:59 I'd like to applaud you for having the courage to come talk about this. It's deeply painful. All of us have stories like this. My story was so intense that I actually wrote a book about events in my childhood and what I learned from them. 

15:29 When I started the book, I didn't intend on writing about that, but it kept coming up. 

16:01 Bringing my terrible experiences into the light helped enormously. It helped me realize I'm not responsible for these things that I was led to believe I was responsible for, as a six year old child. 

16:26 Then I learned the enormous positive effect these events had on me. I learned lessons – courage, compassion, integrity, and trusting people. 

16:45 That helped me become a better leader. 

16:55 It gets better!

16:59 Stacy: This is not the first step. 

17:06 Question: Have you allowed yourself to go to a place of anger? 

17:10 Stacy: That's the hardest emotion for me. 

17:16 I think, on your part, there needs to be a release of anger and resentment. Maybe that looks like finding a punching bag.

17:23 Stacy: The tears are a mask. It's actually anger. 

17:29 When you can fully express that then you'll be able to move on and clear it. The anger needs to be expressed. 

17:39 Maybe some bad-ass martial arts classes. 

17:43 Stacy: I like kickboxing. 

Three Key Points:

  1. You are not alone; we’ve all been through hell. Talk about it.
  2. The gift is learning that it doesn't matter; it still feels better to love than to withhold love. 
  3. Try EMDR. Or Hoʻoponopono. You can work through a lot, relatively easily. 

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